Loving you...

It's true. I learned this a long, long time ago, and I try to remember it every day. But I find there are days when I only really like who I am, but not quite love. And that just plain sucks. There is no reason why I or anyone else should not love the people we are every second of every day. No two of us are alike, we all have unique thoughts, talents, and inner and outer beauty. Today, even though I feel like crap and I am lonely, I still love who I am. (Edit: I am feeling better and loved today.)

Everyone has things about themselves that they would like to change, the underlying cause of these changes, in my mind, is an effort to feel better about who we are; to love ourselves more. Some people battle with weight, some with fears, some with bad habits, and that is a good thing, I think. If we were always perfectly content with who we are then we would miss out on a lot of golden opportunities to learn and grow as people.

Some things I am committed to doing in order to love the person I am more include losing weight (not too much, just enough), finishing what I start, and helping strangers more often (good deeds in general). I get an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment and the need to pat myself on the back whenever I help a stranger in need. I get a natural high every time I stop to help someone push a stalled car to a safe place. Recently, I have been thinking about how to help out the homeless people I see on my way to work every day.

I have mixed feelings about giving money to people on the street because it seems like you could be helping or you could just be furnishing their drug addiction or whatnot. So as a rule I never give money to someone who is smoking a cigarette, because I know right where that money will go. All in all I do not have a ton of money myself, but I still feel the need to help out my fellow man, so here is what I have come up with: instead of giving them my spare change, I am going to buy fruit with it and offer it to them. Sure, a dollar can get you a crappy cheeseburger, or you can buy like 4-5 bananas or apples or oranges with the same money. And if I do not happen to run into someone on my way to work, then I have a healthy breakfast for myself all the same.

What kinds of things do you want to do to show love more often? Any ideas?

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Good deeds this week:

* On Tuesday I got on the most crowded bus ever, which was driven by a very snarky man who made me laugh when we got to talking about how rude everyone always is on the bus. When I got off at my stop I told him You have a hard job but you do it really well, thanks for driving me to work today.

* I let my boyfriend do his own thing this week without complaining one bit. I do not want to end up being some nagging housewife.

* I listened to a wonderful violinist in the subway station and gave her all the change I had. Seemed like no one else had paid attention to her all day.

And Another...

Just had to share a sweet little news story about a homeless man here in San Francisco who lost his cat and has been successfully reunited with her. He loves her a lot, and it is great that the man who accidentally mistook her for a cat in distress made the right decision to give her back. Way to go, dude! Read the article here.

Now That's Love.

I just read an article that has single-handedly renewed my hope in mankind for the time being.

It is the story of a man who lives in Australia, and is the last member of his aboriginal tribe. He is in his late thirties and as yet has no children. The tribal lands are now his alone, and he can do what he pleases with them. He grew up surrounded by the history of his peoples, found in burial sites and other sacred places that he explored with his grandparents. His tribal homelands mean a lot to him, and he knows they are instrumental to preserving his culture. But they also happen to sit atop one of the largest uranium deposits on the continent, and he has been offered, at times, around 5 billion dollars for the land. But according to him, it is not for sale. He plans to incorporate the lands into a nearby national park where they will be protected for generations to come. The history he wants to share with his children means more to him than any amount of money a strip-mining company could offer him. Read the full article here.

My God.

I would like to say thank-you to this man, wherever he is, for being a good person and loving pretty much everyone else on earth, and the earth itself, more than he loves himself. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to turn down so much money, I doubt I would be a strong enough person to stick to my guns and love a place so deeply. I hope I would. I want to love like this man does, a love that will outlast time, a love that is bigger than any one person.

Someday, I will love like that.

Love

Since this upcoming weekend is Valentines Day, I thought I should start at the top of the list with one of the seemingly easiest steps: Love.

But love is so much more complicated than we all want to acknowledge. I feel like I am in pretty good shape when it comes to expressing love, but not all people have it so easy. When I was growing up my parents had no trouble saying I love you, and likewise I have no trouble with it today. A lot of people have very confining views of what the word love really means; some people only like to use it in a romantic sense, but I have no objection to the more arbitrary use of it as a word to express things that make one really really happy (as in, I love cupcakes).

And one thing I think a lot of people forget is that it is okay to tell friends that you love them. My best girlie friend, whom I have known since 1st grade, is someone who has been like a sister to me and we end every e-mail and phone conversation with an I love you, and we really mean it. Likewise, I have a co-worker who is one of the nicest guys around but we have only known each other about a year, and when he leaves work he always tells us he loves us and we love him right back.

I think today a lot of people are afraid of the word, like it is some kind of binding contract. But love comes and goes, and has so many different levels. I want to spend this week pondering love, and what it means to me, and how to give more of it and hopefully gain more as well. One thing I know I have to do that I am kind of dreading is write a letter to the parents of my ex-boyfriend. He passed away a couple months ago, and though we had gone out for more than four years, I stopped speaking to him when we broke up.

It was messy and emotional, and I have not heard much from his family since. But at one point they were like my family too, and I love them all very much. I cannot remember actually telling them this, and that makes me sad. So writing a letter and sending some of the old pictures of their late son is on the top of my to-do list. I also want to write some letters I know I will enjoy this week, something cute to my old friends and family just to let them know I love them.

Well, that connects to a couple other things on the list, namely Express and Mail. One of those may be good for next week, unless I can find time to get the garden going, then I will get into that. But as far as the rest of this week goes, I need to think about how to spread more love, and make people happier... More to come.

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Where I stand this week:

Carbon footprint: 8.1 or... If everyone lived like me it would take 3.8 Earths to provide enough resources.

Weight: 185 Lbs.

Mood: Slightly annoyed, but happy.

Money (approx.): $1,300.00 in checking, $1,600.00 in savings, $3,000.00 in high-interest credit card debt, $7,000.00 in collection-agent-status debt, and $7,000.00 in student debt.